"Not without design does God write the music of our lives. Be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dismayed at the "rests." They are not to be slurred over, not to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keynote. If we look up, God Himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on Him, we shall strike the next note full and clear."

Leslie Ludy from "When God Write Your Love Story"

After being asked to complete this assignment about our role models in my Spirituality in Death & Dying class (I know, Its a mouthful), I began to let my mind wander. Within minutes, my fingers quickly attempted to compose this "legacy" I now share here. In this assignment, we were asked to:

Make a list of people who have influenced your life, whom you considered "wise," especially during your teen years and times of transition.

Chose one role model from your list and consider:

What attracted you to this person? What was your relationship like?

What values did you admire in this person? Were these values similar to or different from your parents' values?

How did this person influence who you are today – your relationships, career choices, attitudes and values, etc.

Here's my response :)

There are many people I have been fortunate enough to have met along this journey we call "life." Some have left a mark that will forever inspire me to be the woman I am today and desire to be for the rest of my days. Those I consider wise include my mother, sister, grandmother, my 8th grade teacher, my technical high school instructor, my college housemates, and my friends Jamie and Joel. Each one of them (and several others) have played an important part in helping me grow, develop, fight, and establish the character and qualities that make up the real me. Through several memorable moments, I have been challenged to face fears and remain unaffected by the circumstances that tell me I can't do it.

While all these role models have significantly influenced my life in beautiful ways, I believe that my relationship with my friend Jamie has recently played a vital role in helping me to experience all that God has in store for me.

Jamie is a 21-year old URI chemical engineering student that crossed my path freshman year through several mutual friends. After discovering and rooting myself in Intervarsity, the Christian organization on campus, I was introduced to the Christian community where I then met Jamie. At first, our friendship was limited to the usual weekly exchange of "hello" and "how are you" as we interacted at the on-campus Christian services and gatherings. It was not until the spring semester of my junior year that he and I developed what can only be described as a sarcastically humorous love/hate relationship. What would start as a simple conversation would then quickly erupt into a pointless argument full of bickering insults and witty offenses; yet somehow, this led us to confide in one other to the point where every topic under heaven could be discussed openly and comfortably. Hours would pass and when conversations were limited to phone and instant messaging, it became very hard to conclude our chat.

I began to realize that I had become attracted to his confident attitude yet meek personality. I was drawn to his keen sense of humor yet his mature nature that was evident through his eloquent speech. I suddenly realized that my attraction to his wonderfully captivating personality had now stirred up romantic emotions that I so desperately tried to suppress and write off as momentary infatuation. However, with every passing moment in which we poured out our deepest concerns and most passionate ambitions, I instantly understood the intensity of my admiration for him. His love for the Lord and his willingness to serve others were identical to my own. Not only his kind words, but also his selfless actions matched the standards by which I chose to abide by. His plans and future goals demonstrated his ambitious drive to fulfill God's purpose in his life; this attitude also mirrored my ultimate desire: to do God's will. I was impressed!

I admired his courageous stance and his audacious sense of adventure… his ability to be try new things and if necessary, fly by the seats of his pants. These were qualities I yearned to possess in myself. These were the attributes that I once dreamed of developing. Through his "testimony", I then decided I would be missing out if I did not at that very moment pledge to do something about it. Because of his admirable qualities, I choose to face some fears and step out of my comfort zone. I chose to think and speak for myself as well as further develop my individuality so that I could stand on my own two feet. He encouraged me to live without doubts and without regrets and because of that, I'm feel better equipped to conquer the world and all my endeavors.

I killed my patient.

Ok… I lied. I didn’t kill my patient. But according to Nurse Cranky Pants I ALMOST killed my patient.

After finally getting the privilege of increasing my patient : nurse ratio to 2:1, I was caring for patient #1 when I offered to assist in ambulating him down the hall before turning in for the evening. With IV pole in hand and walker in place, I helped Mr. Near-Death to his feet after removing his nasal cannula.

Now let me paint a picture of the setting I was in: My Med/Surg rotation this semester is being carried out on the oncology (a.k.a. Cancer) medical/surgical floor of the Roger William Medical Center in Providence. This patient I was caring for was a mere 2 rooms down from the nurses’ station.

We walked up to the nurses’ station where we were going to turn around and make our way down the long hallway before we were met by none other than Nurse Cranky Pants herself. She gave Mr. Near-Death a puzzled look and sternly asked, “Where is your oxygen?” Knowing he was on only 4 liter per minute via nasal cannula, I assumed he could go without his supplemental oxygen for less than 10 minutes without any problems. Now as cliché as it may be, I made an ass of myself with this assumption because what followed this explanation of mine was 5 minutes of utter humiliation. The nurse proceeded to chew me out in front of the patient and his goddaughter AND another nurse that was simply passing through! She insisted that the patient could have coded (a.k.a. gone into cardiac arrest) within seconds of continued ambulation down the corridor if she had not stopped us. She then ordered the other nurse to grab a pulse oximeter to measure the oxygen saturation in his blood, which is a good indication of oxygen perfusion in the body. The normal range is anywhere between 95%-100%. His was reading at 89%! I corrected the issue by putting his oxygen back on and after a short walk, we returned back to his room.

The patient was unharmed throughout this entire ordeal, yet when I was writing my report in the break room, Nurse Cranky Pants took this opportunity to chew me out some more! After non-verbally agreeing that I had committed what I believed to be an honest mistake, Nurse Cranky Pants suggested that I share this experience with my instructor and my fellow nursing students to ensure that “no one ever, EVER makes the same mistake” I had made that evening. If you ask me, I think that the second over-emphasized “EVER” was a bit much. I mean, I was already humiliated… what more did she want from me?!?! Tears!?!? Because at the rate she was going, they were about ready to start flowing! I swore I would keep my composure and “take it like a man!” I managed to do so, but my attitude went from joyous to downcast before the clinical day came to an end.

No one died on my watch… I guess that means it was a good day regardless of the minor mishap.

Another year. Another Valentine’s Day. Another awkward moment.

Unsure of what to do on Valentine’s Day, I finally accepted my brother’s invitation to join him on the Cape for the weekend where his church was putting together a Valentine’s Dinner & Dance for the youth group. Realizing I’m 21 years old and a few years beyond the “youth group” scene, I figured this would be fun and a lot less pathetic then enjoying a romantic movie with a tub of ice cream. So my plans were settled.

In making plans for the end of a long school week, My Good Man asked if we would see each other before I departed for my Love-filled weekend back at my home base. After having made plans for Friday night, I sadly admitted that our paths would most likely not cross until I returned from the Cape. Then I suggested we get together for breakfast on Saturday, as I had no intentions to hit the rode until well after noon. “Breakfast it is”, he said, then added that he would be honored if I would allow him to be the one to make breakfast not only for the two of us, but for all the Caswell Ladies. I exclaimed, “I’m sure the girls would love that!” and so our plans were finalized.

I woke to a knock at the door at 10am sharp, just as he had promised (as nothing less would have been expected from him). When I walked out of my room, I was greeted with a plate of homemade and hand-decorated cupcakes that spelled out “PAM” with a fourth cupcake that contained a heart. This surprise was also accompanied by a single red rose on the plate that made the gesture that much more heartfelt. After attempting a bashful “Thank you”, the Caswell Ladies and My Good Man got down to business: making breakfast. The entrée of choice was chocolate chip pancakes. As he mixed the batter, we joked and talked, completely content with this planned pow-wow. Suddenly, we were all startled by the ringing of our doorbell. Not expecting any other visitors, we all assumed it was the faulty doorbell acting up again. For some odd reason (which we still have been unable to completely understand), when the neighbors’ doorbell is rung, our doorbell rings! Just as we had done in the past, Caitlin offered to check the door even though we were almost certain she would find no one there. Much to our surprise, we heard a scream followed by “You scared me!” Mandy and I quickly shot glances at each other and waited with anticipation for a hint to help us determine who was our mysterious guest. Then I heard a very familiar voice respond, “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” My heart instantly leapt to my throat. Our mysterious guest was here for me… it was Magnifi-Scent! Oh no! Two suitors in my house at the same time actively pursuing me and showering me with attention on the (supposed) most romantic day of the year!

Sidenote: Flashbacks of last year’s awkward Valentine’s Day surprise by Broccoli Boy now haunted me. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse than that…

I regained my composure just in time to bear what came next. Caitlin walked in first and gave me “The Look” that spoke clearer than words: “Brace yourself”, it said. Behind her walked in Magnifi-Scent with a bouquet of gorgeous wild flowers. He exclaimed, “Special delivery! Now you can’t say that Caitlin and Mandy are the only ones that get gifts on Valentine’s Day!” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that My Good Man was a bit surprised and (if I read him correctly) a bit disappointed. This disappointment didn’t seem to have even a hint of jealous, but a frustration that his plans had now been interrupted with this unexpected surprise. He quickly turned around to face the counter again where he returned to stir the batter, a bit more vigorously than before. Trying to diminish the look of shock and increase the look of pleasant surprise while being subtle, I approached Magnifi-Scent and gave him a thank you hug. As I placed the flowers in the vase, I inconspicuously made my way toward My Good Man and whispered “I’m sorry. I had no idea he was coming!” He replied that it was ok, but I knew it wasn’t.

At this point, I thought that the obvious presence of my first guest would have hinted to my second guest that I had company and that now was not a good time. Before I could finish putting water in the vase, however, Magnifi-Scent had already removed his jacket and pulled up a seat. Attempting to make things as normal as normal could be in a situation like this, I offered him breakfast, as any good hostess would do. To my surprise, he accepted and made himself at home. While the ladies did their best to remain present to diminish the awkward factor, neither party would budge and the girls had an exam they needed to study for. I finally spoke up and said that I needed to pack and hit the road. My Good Man decided he would leave first and before I knew it, I was left with Mr. Magnifi-Scent. Refusing to depart until my bags were packed and I was in my car, Magnifi-Scent stuck around until I was ready to go.

As I was driving, I tried to comprehend what I had just experienced. I tried to understand why exactly I was now driving 98 miles to place myself in a situation that had the potential of escalating this day to the most awkward moment of my life.

Happy Awkward Day!

"One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. When you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Continuation…

After several days of mumbling under my breath, I finally decided it was best just to let things go and not allow my mind to be filled with doubt and disappointment. But no matter how many times I tried, I often caught myself puzzled as to why the weekend didn’t go according to plans (imaginary plans that were only laid out in the “la la land” of my own mind). I wanted so badly to make it work. I kept thinking, “What the heck is wrong with me? Why didn’t he like me?” I didn’t want to admit it then, but I was heartbroken… Kinda. Not completely. But slightly, yes. I was still crushing on “The Man”, but he had moved on. At this point, I knew only time (and distance) could make things better.

Fast-forward 2 months or so into December… I get an IM from none other than “The Man” himself! Just the usual “Hey! How’s it going?” But then suddenly with virtually no warning, I get sideswiped with the unexpected questions, “What are your feelings about me?... What do you think of me as a person? When I was there, were there things you learned about me that you didn’t like?” He had just done what I wanted to do for so long: he put me on the spot! He got to me before I could get to him! Oh… he was good. So now with the tables turned, I did what I, too, had wanted to do all this time: Be Honest! Ok. So if Mr. I-Need-Answers was gonna make me spill my guts, I thought he had better be ready to hear all I had to say.

Luckily, this conversation was happening online. So I thought out loud and typed vigorously. I didn’t want to regret what I was about to say so I thought twice (and sometimes 10 times) before I said anything. I made it clear that my impression of him was that he was materialistic and extremely concerned with his image.

SIDENOTE: I will be the first to admit that I appreciate a good-looking guy… someone who cares enough about his appearance to take some time to make himself presentable, especially if he wants me to notice. I do not, however, like it when someone relies on his physical appearance to “woo” me. It’s a little theory I have dubbed “Ugly Personality”.

So after speaking my mind, he spoke his. He made sure I knew that the material things he had were really things he was blessed with. He actually admired my true satisfaction for the simple life. I had explained that I don’t need the fancy car or expensive clothes; I’m just happy with living simply and enjoying the little things in life that really matter. And he agreed! Immediately my heart sank. I had just put my foot in my mouth. Perhaps I judged too quickly and now I had just angered “The Man”. Somehow I recovered from what could have been a tragic ending to a “blossoming friendship” (I think that’s what I called it before) and we finally saw eye to eye. Then confusion set in and I asked the obvious: “Why didn’t we have this conversation 2 months ago?” Slightly embarrassed, “The Man” admitted that he was scared…of hurting me! (As strange as this may sound) What a relief! This reason I could live with.

So with my curiosity finally satisfied and this issue behind us, all that was left were inside jokes and the usual prolonged flirtatious good-bye.

But apparently vulnerability got the best of us several days later when “The Man” and I had an unusually entertaining discussion about our New Year’s Eve plans (or lack there of).

To Be Continued…

"Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Well if life was meant to be lived, I have done that job very well! And as far as curiosity goes, well, lets just say that mine has not yet ceased in keeping thing interesting. Never a dull moment (and that, my friend, is an understatement)!

So once and for all, I have realized one must expect the unexpected. I will be the first to admit I love surprises, but nothing could have prepared me for what came my way this past Fall.

After carefully making meticulous plans, "The Man" and I decided that a face-to-face visit would be nice. We agreed on a date (Columbus Day weekend) and a location (Rhode Island, my territory). So after much anticipation and hype, the weekend finally met us with great exhilaration and several butterflies. My roommates and I picked him up at the ferry and after an hour-long ride, my nerves had finally returned to their usual state of occasional flutters here and there. We exchanged a few words which can only be described as mundane chit-chat and then retreated to bed.

I barely got a wink of sleep as my mind raced with possibilities of how my once- believed great weekend could quickly evolve into a monstrosity of a disaster. Nevertheless, he was now here and this was my chance to see "The Man" in all his glory. With no plans set in stone, we walked along the sea wall at Narragansett Beach and escaped to the Rocks for some more one-on-one time. We both were all smiles, but I consciously struggled to contain myself from displaying my "you're-so-dreamy" facial expressions in order to maintain my cool. While the hours seemed to drift away quickly (yet virtually unnoticed), our time to get to know each other was well spent in conversation… mostly serious, but with the occasional joke or flirtatious comment. That "moment" in which silence, staring and lingering occur simultaneously (in hopes to initiate a kiss) seemed to have occurred several time, but to no avail. Hunger pangs finally broke us out of our infatuation trance and lead us to a late lunch outing. Afterwards, we returned to the house and just relaxed for several hours until we decided we wanted to get semi-dressed up for dinner. SIDENOTE: Now here is where red flags began to fly! Dinner chatter was quickly lingering (perhaps because we had talked all day!!!), and the atmosphere was suddenly shifting from "approaching comfort zone" to "freefalling into AwKwaRdnEsS"! I wanted so badly to speak, to say something, ANYTHING, at this point in order to attempt to return to some form of normalcy, but my mind blanked. I suddenly realized "The Man" and I were very different. He and I lived in totally different worlds and it was beginning to show through in our conversations. I practically screamed out "Halleluiah!" when dinner was finally served. At least with my mouth full, I had a legitimate excuse for not speaking. We somehow managed to make it through the night and returned to the house. We had survived day one.

That night, my mind kept rewinding through several portions of the day in an attempt to categorize, evaluate, and predict the outcomes of what this weekend would come to entail. As the pros and cons rapidly emerged on my imaginary list, I refused to admit to the obvious: the pros were being outweighed by the cons. But as they say, "Tomorrow is a new day" and I wasn't going to make-up my mind until the weekend was officially over.

At the suggestion of one of the roomies, "The Man" and I drove to Newport where he and I took advantage of the beautiful weather along the Cliff Walk. With camera in hand (and my fingers crossed), we spent the next few hours exploring beautiful scenery and snapping pictures. We stopped a few times to just take it all in and chat for a bit. The "moment" again presented itself once or twice, yet nothing came out of it. Feeling a bit disappointed, I finally pointed us back to the car where we prepared to return home.

With bags packed, again we headed to the ferry, but this time it was just "The Man" and I. We spoke maybe 2 sentences to each other and the rest of the hour-long ride was spent in silence. At this point, I could not even imagine what could possibly be said so I just drove quickly and quietly. We arrived at the ferry where we said our goodbye's and then we went our separate ways. Approximately 2 hours later, we mutually admitted (via texts) not feeling any sparks, therefore agreeing to remain "just friends". The entire experience was not what I had imagined it would be, but I vowed to just let things be and move on.

2 months later, I was finally given an explanation as to why things couldn't have worked out between "The Man" and I…

This was written by my friend Joel after I told him that I was giving up on my search for a good man. This was his humorous response and suggestion: Hello Students, this is your professor's assistant Biff Tightglutes. The Professor has asked me to give you your homework assignment over the course of the next week. I apologize for any inconvenience, I know exams are coming up but this will count towards 75% of your grade and will ensure the completion of "NiceGuys 101". Now, I know a lot of you think this course is irrelivent because you find the idea of Nice Guys a myth...But they do exist. I've enjoyed the discussions and debates this year and I believe many of you ladies have real potential. That being said, Your assignment is as follows. You will be required to spend some time with a guy of your choosing and write a one page paper about that specific individual. The paper may be written in a positive or negative manor but must clearly reflect your own position on the subject. Below is a list of topics/ideas that must be covered, His likes/dislikes Apperance (well dressed, grungy, etc.) How he views women What does his character say to you Find out about his qualities. Are they qualities you would personally find attractive How does he treat you (verbally, physically, emotionally) Do you feel comfortable or uneasy What does he find attractive What kinds of things is he involved with I hope this assignment is more fun then it is demanding. If you take this assignment seriously you may find that all guys are not necessarily disscusting pigs. Although, depending on the nature of the individual being interviewed that could be the case (for your sake I hope not). My office hours are from 12:00-1:00 or from 3:00-4:00. You may slide the paper under the door or leave it with my secretary Holly Hotstuff. I look forward to reading about your discoveries. Have a great winter break!

I payed $2 bucks to watch URI Men's Hockey and instead I got more PDA then anyone should ever have to witness! Im not talking about the typical cute jock and his cheerleader-blonde girlfriend... No, this was a chunky blonde Bumble Bee and butch brunette Iron Man (It's Halloween, if you haven't noticed the date!). At first, my friends and I assumed that this was just a group of friends that decided to arrive fashionably late to a hockey game in unfashionable Halloween get-ups. The circus that rolled in consisted of the bumble bee, Iron Man, a Naughty (skanky) nurse, and a pirate. As if there costumes and choice in seats (right in front of us) didn't already distracted us, we were subjected to unnecessary and uncalled for Public Displays of Affection throughout the remainder of the game. After feeling completely disturbed and a little mentally violated, I came to the conclusion that URI only lost to Univ. of Delaware because our players were equally distracted. I'm not just talking about hand holding, flirtatious smiling and the occasional lovey-dovey gazing into each others eyes; this consisted of all that plus some back rubbing and lip-locking action that (according to other onlookers) initiated with Iron Man playfully caressing Bumble Bee's lips and kissing her neck! All I could think of at that moment, was #1: "Ewwww!"; and #2: "So this is what cheap gay porno looks like!" If that wasn't enough to cause a gag reflex, Iron Man kept playing with Bumble Bee's costume props such as her antennas and her stinger. There are just so many things I could say right now, but I will maintain my Christian etiquettes. This was a sight like no other, that's for sure. And to my fellow Rams: I am sorry your hockey awesomeness was affected by such revolting girl-on-girl perversion. As far as I'm concerned those girls and the Univ. of Delaware hens can get the cluck outta our turf!